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Childhood Memory from the Old Victorian House on Warner

I was five years old
when I began to awaken
before dawn
to watch the first beam of sunlight
coax the green wallpaper awake
the paisley pattern writhing
the way a cat quivers
in a leonine stretch

within mere minutes
the wallpaper would still again
and remain so for the next 24 hours

during that dormant time
I would press my fingertips
to the wall
to take in the smooth warmth
somehow bound in paper and paste
the heat of sunlight
and something more

but one time
a butterfly fluttered through
my open window just as the wall
quivered awake
an inked leaf stretched
beyond the plane
to meet the insect’s legs

then the butterfly was gone
swallowed
stolen
merged
with the wall

despite how I begged and cried
my parents refused to give me another room
so I moved my bed away from the walls
I tried not to notice
how in those scant minutes of life each day
the butterfly
slowly
drifted around the window
as if it could make an escape

years later
after we moved
I heard the old house burned down

maybe it’s silly
but I like to think
that as the house went up
the blaze burned through more
than walls and wallpaper

that maybe
through smoke and hellfire
that butterfly
finally did

escape to find true flowers again

(Editors’ Note: “Childhood Memory from the Old Victorian House on Warner” is read by Erika Ensign on the Uncanny Magazine Podcast, Episode 27A.)

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Poems Written While

I believe in stars. I may be alone, my body a minefield and my life a fucking farce, but at least I have that.

The night is humid and warm, sticks to our skin like a wet T-shirt. Luz pokes the fire with a piece of scrap metal she found lying by Gunner’s feet. It sends a swarm of sparks flying into the air. Taking that as an invitation, others come flocking to our little circle. No matter the temperature, the kids gravitate towards the fire at night, so I always try to have one going near sundown.

“Give us a poem, Daddy?” the new kid says, one of Luz’s strays. His name is Roy. He’s probably a little older than Luz. Maybe in his twenties.

I think of asking for something in return—the kids need to learn the rules of this world, and better I teach them in my way than someone else in theirs—but I hold back. Just this once, I feel like giving one away.

I lie down, my back pressing against the concrete, and I look at the empty sky above. I try to imagine the stars, what they looked like. My parents had seen them. They said they looked like little fires in the sky.

“All right,” I say.

The kids hold their breaths. I can hear nothing but the fire’s crackling. I imagine it’s a fallen star.

Which one should I choose?

“William Shakespeare,” I decide. “Sonnet 14. It starts like this:

‘Not from the stars do I my judgment pluck;

And yet methinks I have Astronomy.’” I pause, searching for the words, but they, inexplicably, escape me. I know these verses by heart, and yet. And yet.

“And then?” Gunner prompts me. “And then what does it say?”

“It talks of plagues and famines and being unable to tell what the future holds.”

They nod. These things my kids know well.

“How was this one written?” they ask then, as always.

“It was written while admiring a young man’s beauty,” I reply.

They nod at this too, as if they know what it’s like to look at something beautiful, stars or no stars.

Luz and Roy exchange a look. It warms me and scares me, that eager folly of youth.

“Daddy, tell us another,” Luz begs, even though she knows it hurts me to tell her no.

I watch the moon flicker briefly into view—a dull light in the quagmire of sky.

The cement is letting go of the day’s warmth, burning my back. I push myself up. “Not tonight, mi señora de la luz,” I say.

Luz scrunches her face. Because I go by Daddy, she’s taken to calling herself Kid. I told her she doesn’t have to do that; she insisted she liked it.

But she’ll always be Luz to me.

“Perhaps tomorrow.” I wink at them. “For the right price.”

Collecting star poetry is not what it used to be. I grew up on that shit. It was a cult, an underground culture, a spiritual thing for many of us who were born just after the first disaster, back in the ‘40s. It’s how I met Yanni and Sylvie, too; brought together by the dreams of starry skies lost for good, stuck together because our bodies fit in ways that made sense. Sylvie left us early; moved away to found the trans woman anarcho-communist utopia she always yearned for. I don’t know what happened to her, but I like to imagine she did, that she’s out there somewhere with the other girls, planting potatoes in the winter and batteries in the summer, dancing naked on rooftops under the new moon, howling at the hole in the sky. Though I haven’t heard from her in—what? Twenty years? But Yanni and I stayed in the coven at the old planetarium with the others.

We were very different, Yanni and I—I don’t know if we would have even been friends had we met under different circumstances. Yanni hadn’t made any changes to his appearance; a lot of the guys judged him for it, which I found cruel coming from people who know what it’s like, who know that the thing you do to your body out of love can also be the thing that’s hurting you. Yanni had a large chest and bad lungs, so binding was extremely uncomfortable and causing him more grief than it relieved, but he also refused to experiment with the nightmare batches of homebrewed T we cooked for ourselves back then. I on the other hand was willing to shoot up, slather, or suck on whatever crap I could get my hands on in exchange for a beard. It didn’t matter. For a time, we loved each other’s bodies fiercely, desperately—because, if not us, who else would?

We parted years later the way lovers do. It was ugly and tender, but nobody died, so I count it a win.

Anyway. The point is: the poetry thing was never just a fad for us. It brought us together and bound us, a generation of people whose parents spoke dreamily of star-studded nights, who still put us to bed singing, “Twinkle, twinkle, little star,” and we were left wondering, wide-eyed, at that betrayal of a sky.

Kids these days just think it’s cool. Retro hip. An old man’s quirk.

Either that, or they humour me, let me pretend this is how I make my living, exchange T and batteries for old starry rhymes that speak of things none of us are old enough to remember. I’m sure most of them don’t even believe stars ever existed at all; and, in the end, what do I have to convince them other than the ramblings of old romantics, star-shaped symbols, orphaned of referents? For all they know, stars could be a rumour, a trick played on us all by a generation who had everything and then went and fucked it all to shit.

I leave the kids behind and retreat to my room at the far end of the factory, using the light of a torch to avoid the junk that’s piled up along the way.

Even though it’s hot as a jungle, my walls and ceiling sweaty with moisture, I close the door, close my body inside this space I’ve carved for myself, pried it piece by piece from the tight fist that is the world. I wiggle out of my binder, take three deep breaths, cough. The thing is coming apart at the seams, my body bulges in ways it shouldn’t; I need to get my hands on a new one soon, or get Luz to keep an eye out for some KT tape on her scavenges. Prop myself back up, hold me together for as long as possible. Don’t scatter now on me.

Before I sleep, I sacrifice five percent of my laptop battery to read myself a poem. Over two thousand years old, written by Sappho the Lesbian, while she reclined, alone, under the rising stars.

It’s worth every drop.

In the morning, I go out to the old barracks on a tip from one of Luz’s contacts. They said they glimpsed a box of books and discs stashed in a bomb shelter that resurfaced when the latest quake rearranged the marsh around it. This has been the main way I get my hands on anything new for a while, since I’ve combed the area multiple times over. So it’s either quakes, or new people coming inland from the shores, lugging along their junk in hopes of meeting weirdos like me who are willing to trade them for it.

The box turns out to be full of porn and the odd nature documentary. Years ago, I would have wondered who saves a boxful of porn when catastrophe hits, but I’ve since wised up. People get by how they get by, and who am I to judge.

Back home, I stop at the fence to get rid of the marsh that’s still clinging to my boots. Luz greets me at the entrance and I immediately know something’s wrong, even before I see the deep cut on her forehead. She has that guilty look on her face. Someone has already cleaned the cut and slathered iodine on it, so I can afford to be mad at her.

“What have you done now, Luz?”

“Don’t get mad, Daddy.”

“Just tell me.”

She’s brought home another stray. That kid is too kind-hearted for her own good. All I’ve wanted was to show her how to survive, but it looks like I’ve been going about this all wrong. You’re a shit teacher, Daddy.

“She was in a car accident,” Luz mumbles.

“Wait, she has a car?”

She points to the back. “We hauled it, but it’s not working.”

“All right,” I say. “Show me.”

They put the woman on the spare cot we keep in the boiler room. She has a nasty bruise on her cheek but otherwise looks fine. Beyond being unconscious, that is.

“The nighters got her,” Luz explains. “A nail trap.”

“What did they take?”

Luz shrugs. Not much, by the looks of it. She even has a pair of good boots on.

I point at the woman’s bruise. “Did they do that?”

“Nah. She crashed into a tree.”

“And your cut?”

She shakes her head. “It was stupid. I cut myself on a piece of glass pulling her out.”

“You shouldn’t have brought her here. You shouldn’t have gotten involved at all.”

Luz looks up to me, more disbelieving than disappointed, I think. “What should I have done?” she asks.

What, indeed, Daddy?

“Okay,” I say. “Okay.” She’s here now. Might as well. I kneel next to the cot and inspect the woman’s head for bleeding, then check her pulse and airways. She must be close to my age. Maybe a bit younger. Forty, forty-five? Pretty (shut up, you creep). “Has she woken up at all?”

“No.”

“Was she conscious when you found her?”

Luz nods.

I shake the woman’s shoulder gently, and when that fails, I slap her lightly on the unbruised cheek.

Her eyelids flutter open. As soon as her eyes focus on me, she flinches backward.

“It’s okay, it’s okay,” I say, and my voice briefly slips into that feminine cadence I used to hate. “You’re safe.” I motion for Luz to come over.

Seeing a familiar face seems to calm the woman a bit. “You can call me Daddy,” I say. “This is Luz.”

The woman licks her lips. “Nora,” she says.

Luz offers her some water from a bottle with a straw, and she gulps it down so eagerly I have to tell her to take it easy.

“Okay, Nora.” My face is level with hers. “We’ll take care of you until you feel better. You can sleep. I’ll be sure to check on you regularly.”

“Thank you,” she says. She raises her arm, angling it at the elbow, as if intent on touching my face in thanks, but she drifts back into her slumber along the way, and her arm stays there for a moment, mid-air, like a half-finished sentence.

I tuck her arm next to her body and turn around to sit properly on the floor, my back resting against the cot. Luz has fallen asleep on a mat next to the boiler, exhausted. I look at the cut on her forehead again and my chest caves in with guilt, because she put herself in danger and I, big man, protective Daddy, house jester, was out there looking for word of useless lights in the sky because a mother twenty years dead used to talk about the stars, and then it’s all my fault again, I’m guilty of everything, this woman’s accident, my mother’s death, my father’s death, and Luz’s death when it comes, that will be on me too, because no light escapes me, I am the black hole that eats the world.

I punch the floor.

Get off it, you self-important prick.

Nora spends most of the day and night flicking in and out of sleep, but the next morning she’s upright and apologetic about taking up our space and our time and our kindness. Luz waves it all away and practically drags her to breakfast. It’s a nice day, not too hot and not too humid, so we gather at the big bench in the yard. Each of the kids brings whatever they have hoarded to share, boiled pulses mostly, but Gunner has got his paws on some eggs, heaven knows where, so I light the gas stove, and we make a proper feast of it.

Nora is sitting next to me with a plate in front of her, but she hasn’t touched its contents.

“It’s okay,” I tell her. “You can eat. We won’t put you to work for a plate of food.”

She glances around at the kids attacking their food, joking with each other, laughing. “You have a good thing going here.” She says nothing further, and I don’t ask. I don’t have to. I’ve seen the shit people do to each other elsewhere. I lived in a few of these places myself before making it here, before finding Luz, before she started collecting strays, before I was Daddy.

“Yes,” I say. “A good thing.”

Finally, Nora picks up her fork and brings a piece of fried egg to her mouth. She nods towards Luz. “Is she your daughter?”

My daughter?

The word comes to me like a flood. I thought I’d excised it from my vocabulary for so long that, if I heard it again, it would be meaningless, just a jumble of letters, signifying nothing. But I hadn’t, not really. I’d just carved a careful trench around it, made of it an island, far-removed and inaccessible, but always there.

When I told my mother, she mourned her daughter for days, wore black, paced the outlines of our home mutely, circling the trailer again and again and again, like a planet.

I let a week pass and then assembled myself back into a person solid enough to ask her, “Why are you so sad, Mama?”

And she said, “I’m sad because I love you. I’m sad because you’ll never have what you want.”

I remember thinking she was wrong.

“No,” I tell Nora. “I don’t have any children. But I’m everyone’s Daddy.”

“Oh,” she says. The bruise on her cheek has started to turn deep blue. It reminds me of the sea.

Have I ever seen the sea?

“And you?” I ask. “What’s your story?”

She says she used to have a husband. They were separated during the Middle Wars and she thought he’d been caught for stealing medical supplies and killed. She moved to the other side of the country after the truce. Two months ago, she got word that he’s still alive and looking for her. Now she’s trying to get back to the South. Never mind that half the country is underwater and impossible to cross.

“How were you planning on getting across the Great Wash?”

She shrugs. “I’d figure it out when I got there.”

“A fellow dreamer.” I laugh, but then my heart sinks at my own cruelty and the guilt threatens me with her teeth. “I’m sorry,” I say, and I mean it.

She shakes her head. Smiles sadly. “Don’t worry about it.”

“Well, we’re fixing your car. Gunner there is our expert. He’s already patched up or replaced what he could, and he’s printing the parts we didn’t have on hand. Should be ready to go in a day or two. Might even last long enough to take you all the way to the shore.”

She starts to mouth words of stunned appreciation, but one of the kids cuts her off.

“I want to buy a poem, Daddy,” Rebecca says, beaming. The others hush. This is the first time Rebecca has had something to trade. She’s fifteen and madly in love with Roy, although he only has eyes for Luz (and is too old for her in any case).

She tosses me a packet and I catch it in the air. Androderma patches, long expired. They make my skin bloom with angry welts, but I’ll take it.

I climb onto the bench, proper thespian-like. “Shakespeare again,” I say. “From Romeo and Juliet. Written while recovering from an earthquake:

‘When he shall die,
Take him and cut him out in little stars,
And he will make the face of heaven so fine
That all the world will be in love with night
And pay no worship to the garish sun.’”

I bow deeply and blow Rebecca a kiss. She catches it in the air, trying not to look at Roy.

My kids are becoming experts at this game.

“That was something,” Nora says. She turns to look at me, her eyes shiny and wet.

I wait for her to say something else, but she doesn’t. She’s retreated to some hidden place of herself, where I can’t reach.

Later that day, when we’re sitting by the fire, she asks me if I’m on T.

“When I can get my hands on enough of it to last me a while, yes,” I say. I’m only mildly bothered she clocked me. I know I’ve never quite passed and never will. If anything, I’m impressed with the forthrightness. “Why so surprised?”

“I don’t know.” She shrugs. “It’s that you’re so gentle, I guess. Tender.”

Ah, that old chestnut. “Testosterone does not cause toxic masculinity, you know.” Et tu, Nora?

“Oh god,” she says. “That’s not what I meant. I’m so sorry.” She hides her face with both hands.

Great, now you’ve made her feel terrible. I laugh. “It kinda is, though, what you meant, isn’t it?” I faux pas, you faux pas, baby, let’s dance.

And why does my skin suddenly feel tight?

“You’re right,” she says. She reaches over and touches my knee in apology, sending a jolt up my leg. She glances at me and then withdraws her hand and looks back at the fire.

I catch myself noticing the way the flames cast long shadows on her face, the way she gathers her hair behind her ear, the soft curve of her jaw. Just like that, the ancient wound in my middle gasps, and I’m too old, too old and too out-of-use for this, but I fall. Head-first, I fall and fall.

“Will you sell me something?” she asks. “Just a couple of lines?”

“I wouldn’t.”

“Why not?”

Because I don’t want you to pity me, I don’t want your charity, I want to be able to give it all away with open arms and open chest and open bloody wounds.

I say none of this, but then she takes my hand in hers anyway, there by the fire, under the vacant sky, and my mind fills with poems.

Then it rains for five days straight. We spend most of that time sitting in my room like teenagers, sweating along with the walls, the ceiling raining on us, and I recite every poem I know by heart, the Keats, the Plath, even the Rumi

(“’tis the time of the sky’s levee,
The stars that were hidden come forth to their work.
The people of the world lie unconscious,
With veils drawn over their faces”)

and then I drain all my batteries and open all my books for her. I empty all my treasure at her feet, and it’s still not enough.

On the fifth day, just as the rain subsides, or maybe because it does, Nora pushes me back on my cot and straddles me as my heart goes supernova and explodes.

I’ve forgotten how to be touched, I want to say, but I don’t. I bring a hand to my crotch, out of reflex. I’m still packing.

“It’s all right,” she says to a question I haven’t asked, shrugging off her top.

My mouth is fire. I’m choking on a sun.

She looks at me, and I don’t know what she sees in my expression but it makes her face go serious, almost scared. “Is it all right?” she asks. “Is this all right?”

“Yes,” I whisper, breathless. Yes, yes, yes.

Then later, much later, she finds a piece of chalk and fills my ceiling with five-pointed shapes.

I give her a poem about stars falling, written while begging a sudden lover to stay.

Nora leaves that morning. Luz rides with her to the marshes and shows her which road is more likely to take her to the shore of the Great Wash. I stay behind, hide in my room, don’t even wave at her from the fence, don’t even watch the car disappear in the distance, don’t even say goodbye.

The chalk stars do not fade, despite the wetness dripping from the ceiling. But I know, one day, they will. The chalk will fade, this body will fade, the kids will scatter, the sun will swallow the Earth.

One day we’ll be extinct and all that’s left will be poems.

Poems written while beating the ground

Poems written while staring at the sky, looking for the ghosts of stars

Poems written while stretching your skin against the world

Poems written while lovers, while your body, while

Poems written while

Poems not written at all

(Editors’ Note: Natalia Theodoridou is interviewed by Caroline M. Yoachim in this issue.)

Thank You, Patreon Supporters!

Uncanny Magazine would like to thank the following people for supporting us on Patreon. This magazine would not be possible without their support.

Space Unicorn Ranger Corps COMMANDERS
Alexander M Henderson, Bliss Ehrlich, Crystal Huff, Dain Unicorn, Daniel (a raven), Derek Smith, Edmund Schweppe, Jayme, Joshua Hawks, Kate O’Connor, Kevin Lyda, Marzie Kaifer, Maureen Empfield, Scott Day

Space Unicorn Ranger Corps LIEUTENANTS
Aaron Roberts, Adam Israel, Adam Leff, Adrian, Adriana Dawnhawk, Ai Lake, Besha Grey, Brad Bulger, Brian McNatt, Cait Greer, Clarissa R., David Demers, David Fiander, Deborah Levinson, Devin & Stephanie Ganger, Didi Chanoch, Donna Spielman, Elena Gaillard, Emily Capettini, Gina, heather payne, Ian Radford, Jason Huff, Jen Talley, Jessica Gravitt, John M. Gamble, Katharine Mills, Katherine Mead-Brewer, Katherine Wagner, Kaylan McCanna, Kris Jones, Lorelei Kelly, Maria, medievalpoc, Michael Lee, michael smith, Paul Weimer, Phil Margolies, R. Mark Jones, Rebecca, Robin Hill, Sarah Hartman, Sarah L., Thomas Marks, Todd Honeycutt

Space Unicorn Ranger Corps ENSIGNS
Aimee Aikens, Albert Bowes, Amanda Cook, Becca V. Evans, Brian Hugenbruch, Chicago Doctor Who Meetup, Cynthia Murrell, David O Mahony, David Versace, Divya Breed, Ellen Zemlin, Emily, Emily Hogan, Erik DeBill, Ethan Harris, Gary Tognetti, Harvey King, Jacqueline Rogoff, Jeffrey, Jennifer Melchert, Joe Iriarte, John Cetrone, John Chu, John Klima, Jon Moss, Josh Giesbrecht, Kate Lechler, Kaye, Kayti Burt, Laura K, Lauren Vega, Leslie Ordal, Lindsay Taylor, Lisa Maria Martin, M. Dodson, M. Raoulee, Marc Beyer, Mark Andre Alexander, Martha Hood, Melissa Martensen, NASF3/HELIOsphere, Ondrej Urban, Otto Linke, Paul Alex Gray, PaulCToF, Rachel Coleman, Renae Ensign, Risa Wolf, Sarah Bea, Selim Ulug, Sidsel Pedersen, Sylvia Sotomayor, Tia Sprengel, Tiffany M., Ysabet MacFarlane

Space Unicorn Ranger Corps RECRUITS
Amanda J. McGee, Andrew and Kate Barton, Anna Evans, Annaliese Lemmon, Brooks Moses, C M, CathiBeaStevenson, Christina Vasilevski, David Gowey, Dread Singles, Elizabeth King, Enigmatic Mirror Press, Erin Bright, fadeaccompli, Gene Breshears, Gillian Daniels, Hayley Klug, Heather Berberet, James Steinberg, Jay Lofstead, Joe Wreschnig, John Overholt, Josh Smift, Karla Rixon, Ken Schneyer, Lee S. Bruce, Leetmeister, Liz Argall, Lornak, Maria Schrater, Max Andrew Dubinsky, Melissa Shumake, Merc Rustad, Miranda Rydell, Neil Ottenstein, Oliver, Penny Richards, Roy Ha, Ryan Pennington, S P, Shiloh Walker/J.C. Daniels, slategrey, Tasha Turner, Will Hindmarch, Wordsmith Lynn

A Letter from One Woman to Another

Keep him.
That prince of yours
with his hair souring to silver
his sword gone to rust,
the doormat king, paupered by fear.
It is not a horse he rides
but an ass, not a lordship
he owns, but a home choked with dust,
not love he proffers, but lies
by the dozen, semen-thick and
serpent-slick.

We can both do better.
Trust me on this.

Or don’t.

I want to pretend that I care
but I don’t, and I want to pretend
it matters but it doesn’t, not
with the sky opened like a heart and
the larks in scatter, a murmuration
of possibilities, splendid as the art
of moving forward.

You can be his maiden, if you like.
I’ll be the dragon instead,
The air is so much cleaner up here.

(Editors’ Note: “A Letter From One Woman to Another,” is read by Stephanie Malia Morris on the Uncanny Magazine Podcast 26A.)

Safe Havens—WFC Award 2018 Ceremony Toastmaster Speech

I was so taken with the theme of Ports in a Storm. Safe havens can come to us in so many ways: the home we live in, the relationships that nurture us, the moments we have with others as we laugh, listen, and talk about our heart’s desire. For some, there are friends or family to visit when the need to get away from a stressful life happens and their home/presence become the calm outside the storm.

But for too many people the idea of a safe haven is hard when they are treated as less by others just because they are different in the many ways that humans can be. Using the traditional differences of skin, religion, sexual preference, age… the list goes on. Danger comes from outside and inside.

Outside danger presents as weapons, thrown objects (beer bottles), looks of disgust/negativity that ask: why are you in my safe space (aka a restaurant/hotel, etc.).

Inside danger is the constant grinding down by society saying you are worthless. This results in suicide, loss of dreams, depression, anger, violence, and whole generations losing their sense of self.

As I traveled to Baltimore for the World Fantasy Convention, many friends wished me a safe trip in the way you do for someone traveling to a strange, unknown country that might be dangerous.

A fellow Black woman writer posted on social media the day I was at the airport traveling here that she was walking her dog when a beer bottle was thrown at her from a car, along with racial slurs. She went into a restaurant to wait after she called the police. The restaurant became a temporary safe space for her. The police escorted her and her dog home. She got a sense from the police that they were not happy with what happened to her, that the change of atmosphere in our country has created these incidents.

I think often how this country has become increasingly dangerous for humans who look/act different from the people who now feel it’s acceptable to behave in inhuman ways. This is not a new situation, but it has ramped up because there’s a sense of no shame in this country among some groups of people.

Where is the safe haven for the rest of us?

I’m a human walking in a country I sometimes don’t recognize anymore. My constant desire is for the evolution of all humans on this planet to realize that we’re each different, we’re each the same. We have joy, pain, desire, dreams.

Days where anger and disappointment spike I turn to writing—my safe haven. I can write my feelings and feel safe expressing anything in the solitude of my home. I take care to decide which of these words to offer to the world through the dark light of horror or the fantastic worlds of science fiction.

In the speculative community there is a safe haven. For what humans are in this community who can’t accept the same/differentness of others, they mostly keep to themselves—and that’s fine with me, they can leave the room when I enter. I know many voices in this community who have spoken up to reject putting down others because of their difference.

Each place I walk, whether safe or unknown, I enter to meet and treat others as equal humans and expect the same in return. In speculative communities I don’t have to be ready to defend my humanness as I do in the real world. I also know many people who would have my back if something dangerous came down—and well, you know—I’m from Philly, so I’m prepared!

I am also part of a tai chi community that gathers once a year in Sedona for a retreat. Another opportunity to relax into my human-ism, to feel safe.

I carry my own safe harbor as an energetic force field. When I’m around others that I don’t have to constantly be on guard against, life is more relaxing.

For those of us who are on guard, who have been hurt, until you are in your Safe Haven, as a human being on this planet, I apologize for the human race to you.

For those of you who can walk this country without fear, accepted because of how you look, I challenge you to be aware when others enter places they aren’t welcome. Take a moment and imagine what it would be like to be them. This moment can make a subtle change energetically and perhaps inspire you to step outside your comfort zone and do something to create change.

Start with voting.

The Uncanny Valley

Happy New Year! We made it to 2019!

Somebody shook the Champaign-Urbana snowglobe. Wet whiteness drapes the campus trees as we write this in Espresso Royale—the coffeehouse where we’ve been writing things since Nirvana and REM ruled the radio charts. And people listened to radio. And knew what charts were.

The Thomases have been taking it easy over the last couple of months. (Well, except for taking care of Caitlin, running the magazine, Lynne’s rare books administrator day job, etc.) We had a fabulous time with the Team Uncanny of Erika Ensign, Steven Schapansky, and Michi Trota at the Chicago TARDIS convention. Caitlin had a blast watching her mom interviewing second Doctor companions Wendy Padbury and Frazer Hines onstage. We came home with autographs, toys, wonderful memories… and a norovirus. Only Lynne got sick, but that was a not-fun week!

In this moment of forced rest, the Thomases dug into watching old Doctor Who episodes, which is their lifestyle after all, and Hollywood musicals on Turner Classic Movies.

Specifically, we’ve been watching a lot of Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers films. The gorgeous beauty of their dances, viewing them gliding to the songs of Gershwin, Berlin, Kern, and others—transports us away from a world of anxiety and uncertainty. This was, after all, what the romance of their dances and music did for the viewers who first saw these films during the Great Depression—that frightening time between two cataclysmic world wars. Because even in that dark time, there was still some escape in celluloid made of hope, beauty, romance, and art.

Which brings us to this issue. America just had a more hopeful midterm election. Relentless people campaigned and joined their voices in rebuke to tyranny and hate. There is a long road still, but together we will travel it. We will resist, push back, and hold onto community and kindness. As you read this issue of Uncanny, you will see those threads in all of the phenomenal works here. They don’t sugarcoat or accept the horrors of the universe. Each work has a light embedded within it—a light of family, art, love, and rejection of cruelty. We will get through this, and we will all be magnificent, Space Unicorns.

Fabulous news, Space Unicorns! Uncanny Magazine’s Managing Editor Michi Trota is getting an additional title! Along with being Uncanny’s PHENOMENAL Managing Editor, Michi will now have the additional title of Nonfiction Editor starting with this issue!

Michi has been involved with the nonfiction editing since day one, and we are super excited to have her increase her involvement in this area. Congratulations, Michi!

Fantastic news, Space Unicorns! Uncanny’s fabulous Assistant Editor Chimedum Ohaegbu is being honored as one of the recipients of the Katherine Brearley Arts Scholarship at the University of British Columbia!

In selecting recipients, consideration is given to both scholarly excellence and the demonstrated ability to work with and lead others in student and community activities at the university, local, national, and/or international level.

Chimedum has done a huge amount of work and contributed her leadership skills to her community to earn this award. She’s an integral part of Uncanny’s success, and we’re so proud of her for this achievement! Please join us in congratulating her!

It’s the time of year when people post their year-in-reviews to remind voters for the different SF/F awards what’s out there that they might have missed and which categories these stories are eligible in (especially for the Hugo Awards and Nebula Awards). 2018 was the fourth full calendar year of Uncanny Magazine (Issues 20 through 25, including the Disabled People Destroy Science Fiction special issue). We are extremely proud of the year we had.

This year, Uncanny Magazine is still eligible for the Best Semiprozine Hugo Award. Lynne M. Thomas and Michael Damian Thomas are also still eligible for the Best Editor (Short Form) Hugo Award for editing issues 20-23, and 25. (Note: If you are nominating the Thomases in this category, please continue to nominate them together. They are a co-editing team.)

If you are a SFWA member nominating for the Nebula Awards, you can find eBook copies of all of our issues in the SFWA Forums.

Please also note that essays are eligible for the Best Related Work Hugo Award, and poetry is eligible for the Rhysling Award. As Uncanny is a semiprozine, all of the essays and original art also contribute towards the creators’ Best Fan Writer and Best Fan Artist Hugo Award eligibility.

You can find links to all of the Uncanny Magazine 2018 stories along with their award categories on our blog!

Fantastic news, Space Unicorns! We’re excited we can now announce another Disabled People Destroy Fantasy GUEST EDITOR!

The Guest Poetry Editor is… Lisa M. Bradley!!!

Originally from South Texas, Lisa M. Bradley now lives in Iowa with her spouse and their teenager. Her speculative fiction and poetry examine borders, taboos, and transgressions, no doubt influenced by her experiences growing up a bi-ethnic bisexual Tejana living with an invisible illness on an international border. Her work has appeared or is forthcoming in Strange Horizons, Uncanny, Fireside, and Beneath Ceaseless Skies, among other venues. Her first collection of fiction and poetry is The Haunted Girl. Watch for her debut novel, EXILE, coming from Rosarium in 2019. For updates, follow Lisa on Twitter (@cafenowhere) or check out her website: lisambradley.com.

We are so thrilled to be working with Lisa! Disabled People Destroy Fantasy will be AMAZING! Thank you again to all of the Uncanny Magazine Year 4/Disabled People Destroy Science Fiction Kickstarter Backers who made the Disabled People Destroy Fantasy special issue happen!

Speaking of the Disabled People Destroy Fantasy special issue, DPDF will have open submissions for short fiction, nonfiction, and poetry, and we posted the guidelines on our website in case you would like to submit something for consideration. Submissions will be open from January 15, 2019, through February 28, 2019. We can’t wait to see your pieces!

And now the contents of Uncanny Magazine Issue 26! The fabulous cover is Julie Dillon’s Pearls and Stardust. Our new fiction includes Fran Wilde’s stunning story of family and sacrifice “A Catalog of Storms,” Natalia Theodoridou’s gorgeous exploration of post-apocalyptic love and poesy “Poems Written While,” Senaa Ahmad’s touching and fantastic tale of siblings and discovery “Nothing to Fear, Nothing to Fear,” Delilah S. Dawson’s Southern gothic story that drips with the sensual and the horrific “The Willows,” Marissa Lingen’s hopeful and loving tale of trust and resistance “The Thing, With Feathers,” and Inda Lauryn’s exploration of self-discovery and identity “Dustdaughter.” Our reprint story is Ellen Kushner’s story “The Duke of Riverside,” originally published in Naked City: Tales of Urban Fantasy and revised by the author for this publication.

Our essays this month include Linda D. Addison’s WFC Award Ceremony 2018 Toastmaster Speech about Safe Havens, Elsa Sjunneson-Henry exploring anger and art, Alec Nevala-Lee looking at the impact of John W. Campbell and if an editor could have that influence today, and finally Keidra Chaney musing about being a fangirl in age where fandom has been co-opted by capitalism. Our gorgeous and evocative poetry this month includes Cassandra Khaw’s “A Letter From One Woman to Another,” Sonya Taaffe’s “The Watchword,” Hal Y. Zhang’s “Steeped in Stars,” and Jennifer Crow’s “Red Berries.” Finally, Caroline M. Yoachim interviews Natalia Theodoridou and Marissa Lingen about their stories.

The Uncanny Magazine Podcast 26A features Fran Wilde’s “A Catalog of Storms,” as read by Erika Ensign, Cassandra Khaw’s “A Letter From One Woman to Another,” as read by Stephanie Malia Morris, and Lynne M. Thomas interviewing Fran Wilde. The Uncanny Magazine Podcast 26B includes Delilah S. Dawson’s “The Willows,” as read by Stephanie Malia Morris, Hal Y. Zhang’s “Steeped in Stars,” as read by Erika Ensign , and Lynne M. Thomas interviewing Delilah S. Dawson.

As always, we are deeply grateful of your support of Uncanny Magazine. Shine on, Space Unicorns!

How to Make a Paper Crane

Imagine a piece of flat, perfect, origami paper. White on one side, vibrantly purple on the other.

This is the representation of my emotions before Life happened.

I remember the first time that I was ever truly, rightfully, angry. My father was dying. He was dying from a disease riddled with social stigma. When the doctors told us we had less than a year left with him, I perfectly articulated my feelings at seven years of age: “Fuck AIDS.”

Fold the paper in half by taking the top corner and folding it to the bottom corner, as you learn what it feels like to be angry, as you learn that the world isn’t just, because there is no cure for the thing that will kill your father.

I remember the first time that a man took advantage of my body, the first time I thought to myself “why are you doing this to me?

Fold the triangle in half, as you press the page down, control the rage that you feel at those who can take advantage of you.

My rage is supposed to be small. Manageable. Pretty. I am supposed to fold it down, make it something to consume—like an origami crane or a perfectly hand-dipped candle. I am a disabled woman. I have learned to suppress, to fold, to disappear. When I fold down my rage, I fold down myself. I make myself smaller, prettier, easier to consume.

But I am not easy to consume. I am a deafblind woman. And I am angry at the world.

I am angry because I live in a world that does not see me as capable, I am angry because I live in a world where I am expected to keep up, or sit down. I am angry because I am a queer woman, and I have been given the gift of generational trauma in the form of homophobia.

I am angry because this world? It wants me to sit back and let someone else take the wheel, and I’ve never been that kind of girl.

I remember the first time that someone yelled at me in a department store, asking where my “helper” was, asking if I could hear them.

Take the top flap and open it, creasing the left and right sides so you can fold the top/right corner to the bottom corner, suppress the urge to cry in public because people are asking why you, a twenty-year-old, are out by yourself.

There’s something really horrifying about realizing people don’t see you as an adult when you are in fact, an adult. There’s something angering about it too, that people assume based on the kind of body that you live in, or the sort of marginalization you carry within yourself that you can only be an adult if someone helps you.

With time, I had to learn how to deal with those feelings.

Turn the paper over and do the same thing to the other side, refuse to make yourself smaller even as you create something out of your anger.

This world, this society, wants to destroy me. It wants me to be small, it wants me to cower in a corner, afraid to see the light. It offers me locked doors, closed windows, and rejection at every turn.

Society paints my rage as a tantrum, it tries to label me a little girl who should go play with her dollies if she can’t keep up with the big boys and get a thicker skin.

Grab the left and right side of the flap and open it up. Crease the sides so you can fold the top corner down to the bottom. Hold the fragile paper object, which opens like a flower, in your hands. Don’t crush it because you feel a need to destroy something when a colleague compares you to a child.

With each closed door, with each insult, I fold. I crease. I twist. I bend. I make something out of the rage that wells up inside of my chest. It sits somewhere beneath my collarbone; I can feel it sometimes. I live in a world that doesn’t want me.

I have lived a life fueled by anger. I have been given the gift of rage. My rage could have destroyed me. I suspect it was meant to. Being harassed because of my disability, being bullied for being smart, being told to be smaller because I was scaring people with my smartness, to hide my eye because it made people uncomfortable, because my brains and my cataract weren’t ladylike enough… with each fold and crease I found poise and grace, and I found a weapon.

Take both sides of the top layer and fold them in to meet at the middle, then unfold. This step is preparation for the next step.

Rage.

I don’t let it show anymore.

When I was in college, my rage was palpable. I would shout and cry more frequently. I opened my mouth and let opinions flow like wine, and I gave people more fodder to dislike me.

The world gives angry women few options, it offers us the option to be shot down for our rage. To be told that we are throwing tantrums, that we are “cute” when we are angry, that our rage isn’t useful. My rage has become useful. I have weaponized it beyond recognition.

Open the flap upwards. Show your Congressman your vulnerable parts, tell him how afraid you are of losing your healthcare, of how much you don’t want to lose your friends and family again like you did in the 1990s. He won’t listen, but you tried. You used your rage for good.

For a long time, my rage was weaponized online, it was almost performance art. People liked the angry disabled woman. They retweeted her. They wanted to show my rage off to the world.

But the truth is, my rage isn’t what’s saved me, it isn’t what’s made me who I am.

What’s made me who I am is my radical vulnerability.

Fold the left and right sides inward. The paper will look like an art deco ceiling decoration. This is the face you present to the world. Collected, but with all of the folding and twisting and bending underneath.

These days I don’t just shriek into the void without purpose (well, not much anyway—sometimes the world still pushes me too far). These days, if I’m yelling, if I’m sharing more than most people would, it’s with a purpose. I’ve begun sharing more of my emotional self, more of my soft underbelly, in the search for compassion. With the hope that someone who knows nothing of my life will see me who for who I am: a human being just like them. I’ve done this a lot on Twitter. Sometimes it’s a thread about inaccessibility, where I use photos and emotion to convey how frustrating it is to be locked out of a movie theater, or having to enter a fancy restaurant through the garbage elevator. Other times it’s re-sharing the things able-bodied people say to disabled people, when they’ve never met us before, like the woman who told me I was so AMAZING and BRAVE for ordering my coffee by myself.

I choose to share my feelings, not because I want people to see my emotion as a vulnerability, but because I want people to understand why my life has become about showing people the private life of a deafblind woman.

I bend, I twist, I crease, I fold… I burn. I burn brightly with my rage and I show it to the world when it suits me, when it’s appropriate. When the world needs to know that I am angry. These days I try not to make the rage make me feel small, I try to use the rage to teach people how to be better. Because my rage isn’t a fire stoked by those who would harm me—it’s a fire fed by social discrimination, by a society not built to sustain me.

What I’ve learned is that it is more comfortable for able-bodied people to call a disabled person’s valid concern and fear a tantrum, or a petty fit, because to agree with or to acknowledge the rage would require an abled person to introspectively recognize their privilege. It would require them to understand that a disabled person has a right to be angry, not just at the specific blockade in their way, but at a society which creates those blockades.

Take the left and right pieces underneath the top flap and pull them apart. Crease the bottom of those pieces so that they’ll stay spread apart. Open your heart, and show people what it is like to be the only disabled person in a room, to be the only one fighting for the things you need to survive. Give them no option but to consider your humanity.

So I turned to being radically vulnerable. Instead of simply being angry at the world, I started to think of ways to show people why I was angry. Some of my essays have been about opening myself stitch by stitch, and showing people what ableism has done to my soul. I told my readers about the many ways in which my writing has been suppressed—the many ways I have been suppressed—in “I Built my Own Goddamn Castle”; I shared with my readers about what it was like to get a scleral shell made in “My artificial eye” in the Boston Globe; I closed my eyes and dreamed about my deceased father for days before writing “Act Up, Rise Up” for Uncanny Magazine.

I share pieces of my soul in order to show people the world we live in. Because even though I’m angry, I display it differently. I show my anger, but that anger comes with a distinct expectation of compassion, with a need for people to see me as more than just a disabled woman, as a person.

A person who feels so strongly about the world that she lives in that she has no choice but to turn her burning rage into a beacon.

Take one of those pieces that you pulled apart, and slightly open the top corner so that you can bend a portion of it down to form the head. After bending a portion down, crease the sides of the head up so the piece will stay bent: hold it in your hands, look at the face that you have made.

Bend the wings down at a 90 degree angle and finish the crane, but know there are more to make, more stories to tell, more birds to set free.

A Catalog of Storms

The wind’s moving fast again. The weathermen lean into it, letting it wear away at them until they turn to rain and cloud.

“Look there, Sila.” Mumma points as she grips my shoulder.

Her arthritis-crooked hand shakes. Her cuticles are pale red from washwater. Her finger makes an arc against the sky that ends at the dark shadows on the cliffs.

“You can see those two, just there. Almost gone. The weather wouldn’t take them if they weren’t wayward already, though.” She tsks. “Varyl, Lillit, pay attention. Don’t let that be any of you girls.”

Her voice sounds proud and sad because she’s thinking of her aunt, who turned to lightning.

The town’s first weatherman.

The three of us kids stare across the bay to where the setting sun’s turned the cliff dark. On the edge of the cliff sits an old mansion that didn’t fall into the sea with the others: the Cliffwatch. Its turrets and cupolas are wrapped with steel cables from the broken bridge. Looks like metal vines grabbed and tethered the building to the solid part of the jutting cliff.

All the weathermen live there, until they don’t anymore.

“They’re leaned too far out and too still to be people.” Varyl waves Mumma’s hand down.

Varyl always says stuff like that because…

“They used to be people. They’re weathermen now,” Lillit answers.

…Lillit always rises to the bait.

“”You don’t know what you’re talking about,” Varyl whispers, and her eyes dance because she knows she’s got her twin in knots, wishing to be first and best at something. Lillit is always second at everything.

Mumma sighs, but I wait, ears perked, for whatever’s coming next because it’s always something wicked. Lillit has a fast temper.

But none of us are prepared this time.

“I do too know. I talked to one, once,” Lillit yells and then her hand goes up over her mouth, just for a moment, and her eyes look like she’d cut Varyl if she thought she’d get away with it.

And Mumma’s already turned and got Lillit by the ear. “You did what.” Her voice shudders. “Varyl, keep an eye out.”

Some weathermen visit relatives in town, when the weather is calm. They look for others like them, or who might be. When they do that, mothers hide their children.

Mumma starts to drag Lillit on home. And just then a passing weatherman starts to scream by the fountain as if he’d read Mumma’s weather, not the sky’s.

When weathermen warn about a squall, it always comes. Storms aren’t their fault, and they’ll come anyway. The key is to know what kind of storm’s coming and what to do when it does. Weathermen can do that.

For a time.

I grab our basket of washing. Mumma and Varyl grab Lillit. We run as far from the fountain as fast as we can, before the sky turns ash-grey and the searing clouds—the really bad kind—begin to fall.

And that’s how Lillit is saved from a thrashing, but is still lost to us in the end.

An Incomplete Catalog of Storms

A Felrag: the summer wind that turns the water green first, then churns up dark clouds into fists. Not deadly, usually, but good to warn the boats.

A Browtic: rising heat from below that drives the rats and snakes from underground before they roast there. The streets swirl with them, they bite and bite until the browtic cools. Make sure all babies are well and high.

A Neap-Change: the forgotten tide that’s neither low nor high, the calmest of waters, when what rests in the deeps slowly slither forth. A silent storm that looks nothing like a storm. It looks like calm and moonlight on water, but then people go missing.

A Glare: a storm of silence and retribution, with no forgiveness, a terror of it, that takes over a whole community until the person causing it is removed. It looks like a dry wind, but it’s always some person that’s behind it.

A Vivid: that bright sunlit rainbow-edged storm that seduces young women out into the early morning before they’ve been properly wrapped in cloaks. The one that gets in their lungs and makes them sing until they cry, until they can only taste food made of honey and milk and they grow pale and glass-eyed. Beware vivids in spring for the bride’s sake.

A Searcloud: heated air so thick it blinds as it wraps charred arms around those it catches, then billows in the lungs, scorching words from their sounds, memories from their bearers. Often followed by sorrow, searclouds are best avoided, run through at top speed, or never named.

An Ashpale: thick, gathering clouds from the heights, where the ice forms. When it leaves, everything in its path is slick and frozen. Scream it away if you can, before your breath freezes too.

The Cliffwatch is broken now, its far wall tumbled half down to the ocean so that every room ends in water.

We go up there a lot to poke around now that we’re older.

After that Searcloud passed, Mumma searched through our house until she found Lillit’s notes—her name wasn’t on them, but we’d know her penmanship anywhere. Since she’s left-handed and it smears, whether chalk or ink. My handwriting doesn’t smear. Nor Varyl’’s.

The paper—a whole sheet!—was crammed into a crack in the wall behind our bed. I rubbed the thick handmade weave of it between my fingers, counting until Mumma snatched it away again.

Lillit had been making up storms, five of them already, mixing them in with known weather. She’d been practicing.

Mumma shrieked at her, as you could imagine. “You don’t want this. You don’t want it.”

I ducked behind Varyl, who was watching, wide-eyed. Everyone’s needed for battle against the storms, but no one wants someone they love to go.

And Lillit, for the first time, didn’t talk back. She stood as still as a weatherman. She did want it.

While we ran to her room to help her pack, Mumma wept.

The Mayor knocked when it was time to take Lillit up the cliff. “Twice in your family! Do you think Sila too? Or Varyl?” He looked eagerly around Mumma’s wide frame at us. “A great honor!”

“Sila and Varyl don’t have enough sense to come out of the rain, much less call storms,” Mumma said. She bustled the Mayor from the threshold and they flanked Lillit, who stepped forward without a word, her face already saying “up,” even as her feet crunched the gravel down.

Mumma left her second-eldest daughter inside the gates and didn’t look back, as is right and proper.

She draped herself in honor until the Mayor left, so no one saw her crying but me and that’s because I know Mumma better than she thinks I do.

I know Lillit too.

Being the youngest doesn’t have many advantages, but this one is worth all the rest: everyone forgets you’re there. If you’re watchful, you can learn a lot.

Here are a few:

I knew Lillit could hear wind and water earlier than everyone else.

I know Varyl is practicing in her room every night trying to catch up.

I know Mumma’s cried herself to sleep more than once and that Varyl wishes she were sleet and snow, alternately. That neither one know what Lillit will turn into when she goes.

And I know, whether Lillit turns to clouds or rain, that I’ll be next, not Varyl. Me.

And that maybe someone will cry over me.

I already started making lists. I’ll be ready.

Mumma goes up to the Cliffwatch all the time.

“You stay,” she says to Varyl and me. But I follow, just close enough that I see Lillit start to go all mist around the edges, and Momma shake her back solid, crying.

Weathermen can’t help it, they have to name the storms they think of, and soon they’re warning about the weather for all of us, and eventually they fight it too.

While Mumma and I are gone, the Mayor comes by our house and puts a ribbon on our door. We get extra milk every Tuesday.

That doesn’t make things better, in the end. Milk isn’t a sister.

“The weather gets them and gets them,” Mumma’s voice is proud and sad when she returns. From now on, she won’t say “wayward,” won’t hear anyone speak of Lilit nor her aunt as a cautionary tale. “We scold because of our own selfishness,” she says. “We don’t want them to change.” Her aunt went gone a long time ago.

We all visit Lillit twice, early on. Once, sweeping through town after a squall. Another time, down near the fishing boats, where the lightning likes to play. She saved a fisherman swept out to sea, by blowing his boat back to safe harbor.

We might go more often, but Mumma doesn’t want us to catch any ideas.

A basket of oysters appears outside our door. Then a string of smoked fish.

When storms come, weathermen name it away. Yelling works too. So does diving straight into it and shattering it, but you can only do that once you’ve turned to wind and rain.

Like I said, storms would come anyway. When we know what to call them, we know how to fight them. And we can help the weathermen, Mumma says after Lillit goes, so they don’t wear themselves out.

Weathermen give us some warning. Then we all fight back against the air.

“The storms got smarter than us,” Varyl whispers at night when we can’t sleep for missing her twin, “after we broke the weather. The wind and rain got used to winning. They liked it.”

A predator without equal, the weather tore us to pieces after the sky turned grey and the sea rose.

Some drowned or were lost in the winds. Others fled, then gathered in safe places and hunkered down. Like in our town. Safe, cliffs on all sides, a long corridor we can see the ocean coming for miles.

Ours was a holiday place, once, until people started turning into weather too. Because the sky and the very air were broken, Varyl says.

Soon we stopped losing our treasures to the wind. Big things first: Houses stayed put. The hour hand for the clock stayed on the clock tower. Then little things too, like pieces of paper and petals. I wasn’t used to so many petals staying on the trees.

The wind hadn’t expected its prey to practice, to fight back.

When the weather realized, finally, that it was being named and outsmarted, then the wind started hunting down weathermen. Because a predator must always attack.

But the weathermen? Sometimes when they grow light enough, they lift into the clouds and push the weather back from up high.

“And through the hole they leave behind,” Varyl whispers. Half asleep, I can barely hear her. “You can see the sky, blue as the denim our old dress might have been, once.”

The Cliffwatch is broken now, its roof gaping wide as if the grey sky makes better shelter.

We climb over the building like rats, looking for treasure. For a piece of her.

We peer out at the ocean through where the walls used to be. We steal through a house that’s leaned farther out over the water since the last time we came, a house that’s grown loud in asking the wind to send its emptied frame into the sea.

Varyl stands watch, alone, always now. She’s silent. She misses Lillit most.

Mumma and I collect baskets of hinges and knobs, latches and keyholes. People collect them, to remember. Some have storms inscribed around their edges: a Cumulous—which made the eardrums ring and then burst; a Bitter—where the wind didn’t stop blowing until everyone fought.

“She learned them for us, Mumma,” I whisper, holding an embroidered curtain. My fingers work the threads, turning the stitches into list of things I miss about Lillit: her laugh, her stubborn way of standing, her handwriting. How she’d brush my hair every morning without yanking, like Varyl does now.

Mumma doesn’t shush me anymore. Her eyes tear up a little. “Sila, I remember before the storms, when half the days were sunny. When the sky was blue.” She coughs and puts a grey ribbon in my basket. “At least, I remember people talking like that, about a blue sky.”

I’m wearing Varyl’s hand-me-down dress, it’s denim, and used to be blue too; a soft baby blue when it belonged to my sister; a darker navy back when it was Mumma’s long coat.

Now the grey bodice has winds embroidered on it, not storms. Varyl did the stitching. The dress says: felrag, mistral, lillit, föhn, in swirling white thread.

The basket I hold is made of grey and white sticks; my washing basket most days. Today it is a treasure basket. We are collecting what the weather left us.

Mumma gasps when she tugs up a floorboard to find a whole catalog of storms beaten into brass hinges.

We’ve found catalogs before, marked in pinpricks on the edge of a book and embroidered with tiny stitches in the hem of a curtain, but never so many. They sell well at market, as people think they’re lucky.

Time was, if you could name a storm, you could catch it, for a while. Beat it.

If it didn’t catch you first.

So the more names in the catalog, the luckier they feel.

We’ve never sold Lillit’s first catalog. That one’s ours.

After Lillit goes, I try naming storms.

A Somanyquestions: the storm of younger sisters, especially. There is nothing you can do about it.

A Toomuchtoofast: that storm that plagues mothers sometimes. Bring soothing cakes and extra hands for holding things and folding things.

A Leaving: that rush when everything swoops up in dust and agitation and what’s left is scoured. Prepare to bolt your doors so you don’t lose what wants to be lost.

When I sneak up to the Cliffwatch to show my sister, she’s got rain for hair and wind in her eyes, but she hugs me and laughs at my list and says to keep trying.

Mumma never knows how often I visit her.

“Terrible storms, for years,” Varyl tells it, “snatched people straight from their houses. Left columns of sand in the chairs, dragged weeds through the bedding.”

But then we happened, right back at the weather. I know this story. And the battle’s gone on for a while.

Long before Lillit and Varyl and I were born, the Mayor’s son shouted to the rain to stop before one of her speeches. And it did. Mumma’s aunt at the edge of town yelled back lightning once.

The weather struck back: a whole family became a thick grey mist that filled their house and didn’t disperse.

Then Mumma’s aunt and the Mayor’s son shouted weather names when storms approached. At first it was frightening, and people stayed away. Then the Mayor realized how useful, how fortunate. Put them up at the Cliffwatch, to keep them safe.

Then the news crier, she went out one day and saw snow on her hand—a single, perfect flake. The day was warm, the sky clear, trees were budding and ready to make more trees and she lifted the snowflake to her lips and whirled away.

The town didn’t know what to think. We’d been studying the weather that became smarter than us. We’d gotten the weather in us too, maybe.

Mumma’s aunt turned to lightning and struck the clouds. Scattered them.

Right after that, the ocean grabbed the bluff and ripped it down. Left the Cliffwatch tilted over the ocean, but the people who’d got the weather in them didn’t want to leave.

That was the battle—had been already, but now we knew it was a fight—the weathermen yelling at the weather, to warn us before the storms caught them too. The parents yelling at their kids to stay out of the rain. Out of the Cliffwatch.

But I’d decided. I’d go when my turn came.

Because deciding you needed to do something was always so much better than waking up to find you’d done it.

Mumma’s aunt had crackled when she was angry; the Mayor’s son was mostly given to dry days and wet days until he turned to squall one morning and blew away.

The storms grew stronger. The bigger ones lasted weeks. The slow ones took years. At market, we heard whispers: a few in town worried the storms fed on spent weathermen. Mumma hated that talk. It always followed a Searcloud.

Sometimes, storms linked together to grow strong: Ashpales and Vivids and Glares.

I lied when I said Mumma never looked back. I saw her do it.

She wasn’t supposed to but the Mayor had walked on and she turned and I watched her watch Lillit with a hunger that made me stomp out the gate.

Returning to the Cliffwatch is worse than looking back. Don’t tell anyone but she does that in secret. All the time.

She doesn’t visit then. She stands outside the gates in the dark when she can’t sleep, draped in shadows so no one will see her, except maybe Lillit. I sneak behind her, walking in her footsteps so nothing crunches to give me away.

I see her catch Lillit in the window of the Cliffwatch now and then. See Lillit lift a hand and curl it. See Mumma match the gesture and then Lillit tears away.

Mumma doubles her efforts to lure Lillit back. She leaves biscuits on the cliff’s edge. Hair ribbons, “in case the wind took Lillit’s from her.”

She forgets to do the neighbors’ laundry, twice, until they ask someone else. We stay hungry for a bit, then Varyl goes after the washing.

Up in the old clock tower in town where a storm took the second and minute hands but left the hour, a weatherman starts shouting about a Clarity.

Mumma starts running towards the cliff, but not for safety.

Varyl and I go screeching after her, a different kind of squall, beating against the weather, up to the Cliffwatch.

A Secret Catalog of Storms

A Loss That’s Probably Your Fault: a really quiet storm. Mean too. It gets smaller and smaller until it tears right through you.

A Grieving: this one sneaks up on mothers especially and catches them off guard. Hide familiar things that belong to loved ones, make sure they can’t surprise anyone. A lingering storm.

An I Told You Not To, Sila: an angry storm, only happens when someone finds your lists. The kind that happens when they burn the list so that no one will know you’re catching wayward.

The biggest storm yet hits when we’re almost done running.

We’re near the top of the cliff, the big old house in our sights, and bam, the Clarity brings down torrents of bright-lit rain that makes the insides of our ears hurt. Breathing sears our lungs and we can’t tell if that’s from the running or the storm. And then the storm starts screeching, tries to pull our hair, drag us over the cliff.

We try to shelter in the Cliffwatch.

The wind hums around us, the ice starts blueing our cheeks, Varyl’s teeth start chattering and then stop, and oh let us in, I cry. Don’t be so stubborn.

Varyl pounds on the door.

But this time, the door doesn’t open for Varyl. The door doesn’t mind Mumma either, no matter how hard she pounds.

Only when I crawl through the freeze, around to the cliff’s edge and yell, something turns my way, blows the shutters open. I pull my family through, even Mumma, who is trying to stay out in the wind, trying to make it take her too.

We get inside the Cliffwatch and shake ourselves dry. “That Clarity had an Ashpale on the end of it,” I say. I’m sure of it. “There’s a Bright coming.”

So many storms, all at once, and I know their names. They are ganging up against us.

I want to fight.

Varyl stares at me, shouts for Mumma, but Mumma’s searching the rooms for Lillit.

“We can’t stay here and lose Sila too,” Varyl says. She turns to me. “You don’t want this.”

But I do, I think. I want to fight the weather until it takes me too.

And maybe Mumma wants it also.

Varyl clasps my hand, and Mumma’s, the minute the weather stops howling. She drags us both back to our house, through the frozen wood, across the square, past the frozen fountain. Our feet crunch ice into petals that mark our path. Varyl’s shouting at Mumma. She’s shaking her arm, which judders beneath her shirt, all the muscles loose and swingy, but the part of Mumma at the end of the arm doesn’t move. Because she saw what I saw, she saw Lillit begin to blow, saw her hair rise and flow, and her fingers and all the rest of her with it, out to face the big storm, made of Ashpale and Vivid and Glare and Clarity.

That was the last time we saw Lillit’s face in any window. Mumma had brought ribbons but those blew away. Now sometimes she scatters petals for Lillit to play with.

Climbing the remains of the Cliffwatch later, we find small storms in corners, a few dark clouds. You can put them in jars now and take them home, watch until the lightning fades.

Sometimes they don’t fade, these pieces of weather. The frozen water that doesn’t thaw. A tiny squall that rides your shoulder until you laugh.

They’re still here, just lesser, because the weather is less too.

That day, all the storms spilled over the bay at once, fire from below and lightning and the green clouds and the grey. That day, the weathermen rose up into the wind and shouted until they were raw and we hid, and the storms shouted back—one big storm where there had been many smaller ones—and it dove for the town, the Cliffwatch, the few ships in the harbor.

And the weathermen hung from the cliff house and some of them caught the wind. Some of them turned to rain. Some to lightning. Then they all struck back together. The ones who already rode the high clouds too.

We wanted to help, I could feel the clouds tugging at my breath, but some of the winds beat at our cheeks and the rain struck our faces, pushing us back. And the terrible storms couldn’t reach us, couldn’t take us.

Instead, the Cliffwatch cracked and the clouds and the wind swept it all up back into the sky where it had come from long ago.

Later, we walked home. A spot of blue sky opened up and just as suddenly disappeared. A cool breeze crossed my face and I felt Lillit’s fingers in it.

A hero is more than a sister. And less.

The milk keeps coming, but the fish doesn’t.

The weathermen are in the clouds now. Varyl says they keep the sky blue and the sea green and the air clear of ice.

We climb into the Cliffwatch sometimes to find the notes and drawings, the hinges and papers and knobs. We hold these tight, a way to touch the absences. We say their names. We say, they did it for us. They wanted to go.

With the wind on my skin and in my ears, I still think I could blow away too if I wished hard enough.

Mumma says we don’t need weathermen as much anymore.

Sometimes a little bit of sky even turns blue on its own.

Still, we hold their catalogs close: fabric and metal; wind and rain.

We try to remember their faces.

At sunset, Mumma goes to the open wall facing the ocean.

“You don’t need to stay,” she says, stubborn, maybe a little selfish.

But there she is so there I am beside her and soon Varyl also.

All of us, the sunset painting our faces bright. And then, for a moment before us out over the sea, there she is too, our Lillit, blowing soft against our cheeks.

We stretch out our arms to hug her and she weaves between them like a breath.

(Editors’ Note: “A Catalog of Storms,” is read by Erika Ensign and Fran Wilde is interviewed by Lynne M. Thomas on the Uncanny Magazine Podcast 26A.)

Interview: Natalia Theodoridou

World Fantasy Award-winning author Natalia Theodoridou is a UK-based media and cultural studies scholar, fiction editor at sub-Q interactive fiction magazine, and a graduate of the Clarion West Writers Workshop. “Poems Written While” is Theodoridou’s first appearance in Uncanny.

Uncanny Magazine: “Poems Written While” focuses not just on poetry, but also on the context in which the poems were written. Did your academic background in media and cultural studies inspire the story? To what degree is your writing influenced by your academic work, more generally?

Natalia Theodoridou: One thing my academic studies have definitely instilled in me is the importance of context, yes. As a creator, I think I always tend to go back to Nelson Goodman’s reframing of the question “What is art?” as “When is art?”; it historicizes and contextualizes something that could otherwise be taken as abstract into a practice (by someone, for someone, sometime, for some reason, for a purpose—as my PhD supervisor, Mark Hobart, always insisted). It also resists the idea that the work and the conditions under which it is created can be neatly separated. These conditions, I think, are both material and intellectual; and because thinking is itself a practice, the two are again, in my opinion, inextricable. Which I think also answers your question about the influence of my academic work on my writing; I couldn’t possibly separate them, because my background (academic, historical, political, personal) has shaped the conditions under which I create.

Uncanny Magazine: I love that this story featured a small pocket of kindness in an otherwise harsh world. The characters—Daddy, Luz, Nora—are sympathetic, and they are fighting mostly against a harsh world rather than a human antagonist. Why did you choose these specific characters for this story? Did you find it difficult to keep the story from turning darker?

Natalia Theodoridou: I wrote this story at Clarion West (2018), for Yoon Ha Lee’s week. One of my classmates described the world as a utopia in which people take care of each other, for once. I had not realized that’s what I was writing until they said that. I think part of the reason was the workshop itself; I had rarely been in such a supportive environment before, and had never experienced so much kindness, from such diverse people at once. So no, I did not find it difficult to keep the story from turning darker, which was surprising to me, because my stuff does tend to be dark dark dark. I think my class is wholly to thank for that. The characters themselves are some of the closest to my heart I have ever written, and perhaps, for the first time, I found a way to be kind to myself and so could not bring myself to give them a tragic ending.

Uncanny Magazine: You are both a writer and an editor—how do those things influence each other? Do you try to turn off your “inner editor” when you are writing?

Natalia Theodoridou: I am not a good editor of my own work. The art of rewriting, which I recognize as incredibly important, is not something I excel in. I’m ashamed to admit that my first drafts are very close to my final drafts. That does not mean my final drafts are without flaw; I see the flaws, and my excellent beta readers do their best to help me with them, but I cannot often do the major restructuring that is required to fix them. All that said, I do tend to take a very long time working the story over in my head before I start drafting it. So maybe I do a lot of the editing beforehand? That’s what I keep telling myself, anyway.

Uncanny Magazine: What is your favorite poem? Does it have stars in it?

Natalia Theodoridou: Ooh, that’s a tough one. I don’t know if I could ever choose a favorite, but I do have poems that stick with me, and that changes more-or-less seasonally. Right now, it’s Chrissy Williams’s “Bear of the Artist,” which was highly commended for the Forward Prize for Best Single Poem in 2017. It starts like this: “I asked the artist to draw me a heart and instead he drew me a bear.”

All poems have stars in them, one way or another.

Uncanny Magazine: You recently won a World Fantasy Award for “The Birding: A Fairy Tale” which also features a post-apocalyptic world, albeit one with a very different sort of apocalypse. What draws you to post-apocalyptic stories? What do you find challenging about writing this type of world?

Natalia Theodoridou: I suppose it’s my dark, pessimistic streak? I think the challenge for me is to write a world that is harsh and unforgiving, and then to try and find ways for the characters to fight against the total embodiment of that cruelty—towards each other, if not always towards themselves.

Uncanny Magazine: What’s next for you?

Natalia Theodoridou: I always have several projects in the works (currently: a short story collection, a novella, a few short stories), but the timeframe for most of them is rather changeable. In 2018 I published my first game/interactive novel, Rent-a-Vice, with Choice of Games. That one was dark, cyberpunk-ish noir. I’m currently working on another project for them, a queer, feminist epic adventure loosely retelling The Odyssey. I hope that will be the project I will definitely be able to share with people some time in 2019.

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