You have reached the Consumer Help Offices of the North Pole Workshops, specialists in making wishes come true.
This call may be recorded for quality control, training, or other purposes.
Please listen carefully as our menu options have changed.
To report Naughty Incidents, press 1.
To report Nice Incidents, press 2.
To request a toy, press 3.
To request a lump of coal, press 4.
To update North Pole Workshops on the current condition of your chimney, press 5.
To update North Pole Workshops on other methods of entry to your home, press 6.
To request a list of the cookies preferred by the North Pole Workshop Delivery Personnel, press 7.
To register a complaint about a toy or lump of coal, press 8.
For all other options, please press 9, or stay on the line, and an elf will be with you shortly.
You have pressed 8, to register a complaint about a previously delivered gift. If this is your choice, please press 8 again 8 times.
Thank you. Your call is very important to us. Now, we would like to determine what sort of complaint you would like to register.
Please listen carefully to the following, as our menu options have changed.
To report an undelivered toy, press 1.
To report a malfunctioning toy, press 2.
To report a talking lump of coal, press 3.
To report a toy eaten by a child, please press 4, or hang up and dial 911 or the available emergency assistance operators in your local area.
To report a toy that has eaten a child, please press 5. Please do not hang up and dial for emergency assistance operators in your local area as they may not be able to assist you.
To report a rampaging toy dinosaur, please press 6.
To report a rampaging toy dinosaur that has eaten a child, please press 7. Please do not hang up and dial for emergency assistance operators in your local area. Please stay on the line.
To hear these options again, please press 8.
For all other options, please press 9, and an elf will be with you shortly.
You have pressed 2, 4, 5, 6, and 9. To confirm these selections, please press 2 again 2 times, 4 again 4 times, 5 again 5 times, 6 again 6 times, and 9 again 9 times.
We’re sorry. We were unable to determine which option you wish to select. Please press 8 to hear the menu options again, press 9 to speak to an elf, or hang up, consume a cookie and a glass of milk, and call us again.
You have pressed 9. To confirm that you wish to speak to an elf, please press 9 again 9 times.
Thank you. Your call is very important to us, and we are connecting you to the first available elf. In the meantime, did you know that our workshops receive thousands of requests each year to resurrect the dead, eliminate the year 2020 from existence, and stop school bullies? While a combination of metaphysical, metamagical, and plain old physics prevents us from fulfilling most of these requests, we are pleased to note that our new Robotics lines, featuring dinosaurs, can help children cope with these and other issues. Ask how you can provide your child with a North Pole Dinosaur today!
You have pressed 9 again multiple times. Please remain on the line. Your call is very important to us, and we will be connecting you to the next available elf. In the meantime, did you know that our Workshops deliver toys and coal to millions of satisfied children and parents every year, thanks to our patented S.L.E.D. delivery system? Toys are carefully matched to each child, meeting individual needs and requests. We are especially excited about our new Robotics Lines, programmed with over 100 distinct personalities, providing each child with a uniquely tailored experience. Please note that the North Pole Workshops cannot replace children or adults consumed by our North Pole Dinosaurs.
You have pressed 6, 7, and 9 again. Please remain on the line while we connect you to an elf.
Our elf reported hearing a series of growls, hisses, and munching sounds. Please note that responding to one of our elves in this fashion is automatically classified as a Naughty Incident. We regret that households with Naughty Incidents are not allowed to receive toys from North Pole Workshops. Eligible households, however, may be eligible to receive up to ten lumps of coal per child. Please note that while this coal can be used to fire up delicious, coal-fired pizza, or in some cases be used to mitigate winter heating costs, setting fire to North Pole Workshop coal will add to your carbon footprint and may be classified as an additional Naughty Incident, which will prevent your household from receiving toys the following season, including our custom made, unique North Pole Dinosaurs.
We hope this call met or exceeded your expectations, and we look forward to visiting you again next season!
(Editors’ Note: “The North Pole Workshops” is read by Matt Peters on the Uncanny Magazine Podcast, 43B.)
© 2021 Mari Ness